For those of you unfamiliar with the passage, I suggest that you read Romans 8:18-26 at some point. It has to do with what I'm going to write about, specifically the part where it talks about how all of creation got screwed up in the Fall and doomed to futility and frustration until God chooses to reveal the saints in their sonship-- in other words, until the earth is remade during the 1,000 year reign of Christ and everything bad is wiped away.
I wish that was today.
But it isn't, and until that day comes, all of creation will be groaning from the pain we're in while anticipating the coming of Christ. The Bible compares it to giving birth. Now, I've never actually given birth before, but I understand it's quite painful. And that people are know to rant a bit. So, here's my little monologue:
Over the past few days and nights, I've been hearing a lot of creation's groans: everything from trees creaking in the thunderstom to the noise of me having to jostle the lock around in my door, to the almost-silent tears of a kindergartener with a scraped knee, to the hacking coughs and now wheezy inhalations I make with allergies clogging my sinuses, draining into my chest, and generally making me miserable. As I lay in bed listening to that new little wheeze this morning, I really didn't know what to do.
Part of me wanted to get up and start cleaning the house. Let's vacuum and sweep, at least, I thought; cleaner floor should mean less dust mites and other allergy triggers, right? But then another part of me started arguing that lots of cleaning means chemicals, and chemicals=bad, and I really, really don't need my allergies acting up any more than they already are because I cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floor. It's bad enough being awake for way too much of the night coughing without adding an itchy rash (which is usually just an annoyanc-e) into the mix. I don't need that.
So then of course another little voice inside my head jumps in about how maybe I should trying praying my allergies away... only to be countered by my sarcastic side saying that if that worked, I'd have been allergy-free years ago.
And the end of the inner conversation with myself about allergies ended up being: Set it aside, go eat breakfast, do at least some chores, and then re-evaluate. Because I'm sure if I was God, I'd be getting pretty sick of the whining about my allergies by now. After all, it's not like I'm starving or anything.
But that decision to trust that God knows my problems without me whining about them in His ear every time I cough so hard my chest hurts or sneeze a line of snot down my chest right after I step out of the shower (which is not only disgusting, but highly annoying because I just got clean, for crying out loud! Can't I even enjoy that for five freaking seconds?)-- that decision didn't seem to stick very well. I dunno, sometimes I argue with myself out loud, but most of the time when I'm talking to the air in my apartment, it's really talking to God. And maybe it has to do with the fact that I usually try to be cheerful at work, and there's nobody else in my apartment to whine to; maybe it's something to do with the fact that I've gotten used to talking to God and not engaging the verbal filter because (a)He knows my thoughts already and (b) He won't hate me no matter what I say; but the point is: I'm REALLY good at whining to God. Seriously, if whining to God in prayer were an olympic sport, I'd be Michael Phelps. God, why can't you just heal my allergies? Please! God, My nose hurts and my face hurts and my head hurts and thank you, God that my laptop was closed, because if I had sneezed all that crap ten seconds earlier, it would be toast. But seriously God, what's the deal with neither of the Walmarts having the medicine I need? If you're not going to heal me, you could at least put the stuff in place to help me control this. You know, God, it would be really nice to be able to smell things once in a while. And why is it always the nasty things that finally break through, huh? I mean, the list of things I've smelled this summer goes like this: garbage, rotting meat, dirty diaper, skunk roadkill... oh, yeah, and that tree the other night that I got a pretty good whiff of right before I coughed hard enough that I ended up short of breath and then inhaled my cough drop until it got caught in my windpipe and I nearly choked to death on it before punching myself in the stomach trying to give myself the Heimlich managed to send it flying into the pavement. Why can't I ever smell nice stuff, like the roses at Walmart, or my flowers on the front stoop, or even my mint plant? Huh? Or even stuff that it would be helpful to smell, like the one time my milk went bad and I didn't realize until after I took the first bite of the cereal I had poured it on? Because, you know, normally that's considered a pretty strong smell. And even though it's nasty, I probably would have preferred smelling to tasting. And you know what God? That resurrection body you promised me? I would love to have that upgrade ASAP, but would you please make sure it's allergy-free first?
Where was I before I started the whining? Oh, yeah. Not sticking to the decision to try and stop whining about my allergies to God in ever-more-inventive ways. I was back to that without even thinking about it in no time.
And now I feel guilty.
Not because it's wrong to talk to my Abba about my life. Not even if I'm whining the whole time. I don't feel guilty even so much for breaking my resolve to try to stop the whining.
I feel guilty because I've been acting as if the whole thing is about me, me, me.
Even Jesus prayed to be delivered from the things that hurt and bothered Him. In the garden, He's recorded praying that if it's the Father's will, please don't let Him be killed like this. But then He also prays for His disciples and for all those who will believe. He chooses to submit to the Father's will and accept His pain as necessary; but then He also chooses to think of others.
I don't think I've ever once asked God how I could use my allergies for His glory. I don't think I've ever even asked how I could use them to help others. Maybe it's just my limited understanding of God's ways, but until today, I never even stopped to think that if God has a plan for me, and God created my body just the way He wanted it, flaws and all, then maybe there's a reason and a use for my allergies. Didn't the Lord say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” ?
So, God, if there is a way to use these allergies for You, please point it out. And if you choose to make them like the man born blind, who you spoke about after he was healed saying that he had the infirmity so Your power could be revealed in Your healing of him-- well, that would be excellent. But if you have other plans, I will try not to whine about them so much and I wll try to think of others more.
I will, because obedience feels good. I will, because when I surrender, I find peace, and peace is good.
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