It Should Have Been Me

It'll never be over for me.
Years pass-- twenty, thirty--
But every day, when I least expect
I heard the click of the trigger
Again.
 
It should have been me.
 
Like a worm in an apple
My guilt is eating away at me.
But the apple of me
Is covered by a steel mesh
Of lies:
Not enough to suffocate me--
Kill me quick,
Put me out of my misery--
Just enough to ensure
I can never be free of that
Worm of guilt
Eating away at my insides.
 
Sooner or later, it'll run out of apple
And I'll die
Or take my life.
Maybe then there will be an end.
 
Or maybe the misery
Will follow me.
I can't imagine any worse hell
In the afterlife
Than living every day
Knowing
It should have been me.